To Freedom

“We are very much alike, you and I. I and you. Us.”
“Oh. Except for a sense of honor and decency and a moral center. And personal hygiene.” -Captain Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann in At World’s End

Feminism is a hot topic today. I have met so many women that are black or white about the subject. I have met a surprising amount of women who are outspokenly and most certainly NOT feminist. I think this is because feminism today is very different from what it used to be, and as a result has some rather negative connotations. Many people associate feminism with “God is a Woman” mentality. Feminists are perceived as men hating, protesting extremists and wage gap, rape culture conversationalists who believe women should be dominant rather than equal. But equality is still the essence of feminism! Because of the nature of news networks, we are mostly exposed to extremists that have gone past equality and put a bad taste in the spoken word of feminism. 

I am a feminist, by definition. Everyone should be! Everyone should believe in gender equality. I think our world still needs feminism, because for some reason we still cannot get rid of the idea that men are somehow superior. But, I think we are approaching it in all the wrong ways. We could be approaching this problem in both directions. I heard someone talking about extreme feminism the other day, specifically their frustration with the pressure on Disney to discontinue the idea that a woman needs a man. When I heard them say, “Of course a woman needs a man!” I immediately tensed up defensively. But they went on to say, “A man also needs a woman. In all of human history, men and women have needed each other in different ways.” I completely agree with this, and this truth is totally in line with the idea that feminism is all about: equality.

Next time you want to scrunch up your nose at the term, think twice. It’s easy to take an idea too far until it becomes unappealing. Try to put the motive into perspective. For many years and still today, women have been and are suppressed solely because of their gender.  Enough is enough, and it’s about time for us to fight back. If it’s taken to the extreme, perhaps we’re just trying to compensate for the generations of extreme mistreatment. One day, hopefully, everything will start to balance out. We’ll raise children to believe in and stand up for equality so we don’t have to fight anymore. Until then, let’s embrace the fact that men and women do need each other and whether it’s a woman that needs a man or a man that needs a woman, neither situation represents weakness or promotes dominance. We’re just different. We complement each other in relationships and friendships. Let’s embrace these differences rather than using them against each other. 

Of course, to tie Pirates of the Caribbean into this, I’d like to use Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner as an example. Elizabeth’s character is very independent and adventurous, as is Will’s. At different points in each movie they need each other to prevail in their quests. Elizabeth is not dependent on Will, she does not need to be rescued, she is not a damsel in distress, but she does need his help. Will makes his fair share of mistakes, and Elizabeth is there to guide him back to a path of honor and integrity. They keep each other in line, independently dependent on each other. 

“You’ve stolen me and I’m here to take myself back”- Captain Jack Sparrow in On Stranger Tides

Any introvert can attest to the struggle of living in today’s society. We’re a group of people who appreciate the quietness of solitude in a world that moves and speaks at an endless, exhausting pace. The worst of it is the endless search for a friend who also enjoys slow nights in and deep conversations. The worst of it is the loneliness. 

Introverts are happiest with only a few very close and meaningful relationships. For most of my life I yearned for that and didn’t have it. I made only a handful of friends but all of my relationships were dysfunctional for all of my life. My first friendships were toxic, and I learned based on those experiences. I didn’t know when to walk away from a relationship because from my understanding, almost any treatment was acceptable. As I grew older reality unfolded itself and I began to know better. The knowledge didn’t make things much easier. I still feared everyone around me and took whatever I could get. I always told myself I would do and give anything for a truly great friend, even just one.

Finally, I had an eye opening experience that resulted in newfound self confidence. This confidence shed light on my truly terrible friendship. Ending it was really painful, but I learned from the pain and decided it was better to be totally alone than to have a bad friend. Until I found my great friend, I demanded to be treated no less than I deserved. 

Once I moved out to Colorado, I made friends. Only a few, and only two are my close friends. They are incredible! I love the friendship I share with them. We share some great laughs and go on fun adventures. They love and care about me. The downside is the copious amounts of alcohol and marijuana they desire, and though I also enjoy the sedation of these drugs, the side effects outweigh the pleasures. The next few days after getting drunk and high, I get very depressed and my motivation for school and any sort of productivity is demolished. But what can I do? 

I don’t have the strength to say no when they ask me to hang out. These friendships are exactly what I have been crying out at the universe and begging for for years. I can’t risk losing them, but it is affecting my mental health, my grades, and my skin is suffering from the ingested toxins. I wish I could end this blog more optimistically, with a plan or solution. But the sickening irony of my situation is having the solution, knowing how to fix this, yet being unwilling to carry it out. 

Being in this situation, it truly brings into sharp relief that the universe has a sick sense of humor. Perhaps I am simply being pessimistically single minded, ignoring the big picture, but to me it seems that everything I want is dangled before me, just barely within my reach. Once I grasp it, it’s either ripped from me the second I’ve known the joy, or costs begin to reveal themselves as nearly cancelling out the benefits. It almost isn’t worth it, but it is. I live on a line delicately balanced between love and pain. 

Rationalization of the day: I am a pirate, and pirates drink loads of rum.

You’ll come to learn that I am very good at rationalizing. 

“Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream. That’s how I get by.” – Captain Jack Sparrow in Dead Man’s Chest

I am a college student. I live in Carbondale, Colorado and am currently attending Colorado Mountain College. I graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA and had gotten nearly straight A’s every year (except for my freshman year). I worked part time and paid for my own gas bill and most of my own food (since I’m the only vegan in my family), all while saving $10,000 before I moved out! I thought I had the world at my feet, and now here I am, flat broke, burned out, rethinking my faith in myself.

High School was never easy for me. I worked hard to pass my math classes and strove to get into AP classes. But I still had so much free time, time to work, time to study, and time to play. I was never much of a partier, so usually “playing” to me involved our pets, going for walks with my mom, baking, writing, or binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and The Office (three times!). Now I wonder why I thought it was so hard! I am taking 15 credits, working 3 days a week, hanging out with my friends up to twice a week, and finding myself with almost no time to spare. With this workload, I am barely able to shift between A’s and B’s with barely above a C in math. By the end of everyday when it’s time to study, I deserve a break. But I can’t afford one! And speaking of what I can’t afford, that’s everything.

In conclusion, I work as hard as I can, barely make good grades, and can barely afford rent, food, gas, and all the bills I pay for my phone, car, and insurance. It feels as though I am giving my all and it isn’t quite good enough. But yesterday I happened to come across something I wrote years ago on page in a nearly empty purple notebook.  It’s too personal to share, but it was one of the darkest thing I have ever read. I remember being in that state of mind, so miserable. And that was such a simpler time! I am so much happier now, even though I am more stressed than I have ever been. It goes to show that life is all about adaptation, perspective, and perseverance.

I have much to be grateful for now. I live in a beautiful valley in the mountains. I have savings to fall back on for tuition. I have the best friends I’ve ever had. I have a great and well paying job and get to work with amazing people. I have wonderful parents that love me and help me when I get desperate. I have a family to spend the holidays with. The memories that my article arose broke my heart, but it feels more like a bad dream now.

Sometimes I still cry for that girl who doesn’t understand her worth, who didn’t have hope that things would get better, who lost her childhood in her own sadness. How I wish I could tell her that everything would be okay! Things will get easier, and harder again, but she will always come out on top. If I had known how things turned out, perhaps I could have switched to a more positive mindset. I could have seen what a waste it was to worry and cry as much as I did. All of us could benefit from realizing that worrying is pointless. 

If you find your knees quaking under the weight of the world and your personal pressures, think of the worst time of your life and how it feels so distant now. A bad memory is the same thing as a bad dream. We can shake it off and be grateful we are in a better reality. And if your current situation is the worst its ever been, the best advice I can offer you is to think of the future. This will pass. It will fade into the distance and become a lesson you learn from. You will be better because you were strong enough to survive it. 

“Wherever we want to go, we go. That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keel and a hull and sails; that’s what a ship needs. Not what a ship is. What [a ship] really is, is freedom.” -Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

I am a pirate at heart. I wish to sail around the world, although I likely never will. I wish to own a vegan bakery where no one will know the difference as they bite into the best chocolate chip cookie they’ve ever set teeth on. But I’ve prematurely discarded that dream. I dream of starting a nonprofit organization that rescues farm animals from abusive situations and protects and offers them sanctuary. Perhaps someday I will make this happen. The point is, I am an ambitious dreamer! There is so much I want to do and so little time to do it. I’ve no option but to take life one dream at a time. 

In an alternate reality, I have already achieved one great dream. I was a merchant sailor’s daughter, but with great courage, bravery, and a deep love and connection with the sea, I made the rash yet liberating decision to run away and become a pirate. I captain a ship that is my freedom. I sail around the world, I see it all. And though I realize I’ve grown up and am now an adult member of a bleak society, somewhere along the line I forgot to release my imagination and stop pretending. I walk through life as though I’ve made port in a great and mysterious land with countless adventures to be had and a quest to be fulfilled. I am powerful and fearless. I have made a respectable and feared reputation for myself. This alter-ego gets me through hard times, the mundanity of my routine, and days I feel the ache of the distance between myself and Earth’s innumerable adventures. 

One thing you should know, this pirate likes to write.

In this chapter of my life, I’m beginning with my dream to be a writer and maybe even an author, and I am determined to make this dream come true. This blog acts as the sails to my vessel, drawing me closer to my dream. I needed a reason to write everyday, and this is it. I hope you continue to follow me as I embark on this journey and upload it to my nearly imperceptible corner of the internet.

And so…